I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
