a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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