I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
