Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
