your parents love me but you hate me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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