she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
