Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
