You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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