Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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