Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
