just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
