Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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