Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
