Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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