he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
