I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
even my farts smell like vagina
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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