so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
