I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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