I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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