My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
