i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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