I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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