Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
