I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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