Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
