All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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