The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
