It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
