you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
