it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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