My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
