apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
