I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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