how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
