you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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