So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
