You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
