Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
