my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
