dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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