the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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