just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
