We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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