I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
