I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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