I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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