when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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