I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
