Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
