remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
