Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
