apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
